Little Things We Carry

 i would identify myself as someone who pays a bit of extra attention to the inconsequential things in life. A lone pencil that has fallen on the ground, the reflection of the nearby buildings in a puddle (sometimes its holographic! we used call it unicorn piss), noses of people, texture of skin, earrings, the pleats of a saree ,etc. 

maybe it's because i took my inspiration for my paintings from the real world instead of an aesthetically pleasing moodboard on Pinterest during my early years, but these kind of things really used to distract me until a few years ago. not in a bad way but like, in a distracting way (you get it).

but now, I find this weird talent of mine gradually fading. i don't pay mind to the faded print of a bedsheet anymore like the way i used to. similarly, a shiny keychain doesn't make me excited like it used to. 

and I accept that when life gets busy we don't have the time anymore to fixate on such things but it also makes me kind of sad, like I am losing the sparkly, rosy pink lens through which i used to observe the world, unconsciously submerged in my blissfully immature worldview where everything was either good or bad; nothing in between.

as I get older, I get disillusioned and start to grasp my family and life dynamics in a way I would have shuddered to even acknowledge back when i was transitioning from my tweens to my teens, filled to the brim with raging hormones and a million different contradictory thoughts. I still do.

and as I gain this understanding, i cannot help but marinate over how change in one aspect of life influences the other areas. it maddens me to no extent that if i choose to follow one path ,my entire life will also get influenced by that decision, as simple and universal that truth may that be, it shakes me to the core. A poem comes to mind-' the road not taken' by Robert Frost that I read in 9th grade.

but maybe it's not all gloom and doom. Life is said to be a wild adventure after all. Maybe my forgetfulness towards the tangible and frivolous things in life means that there is now more space for me to hold emotional feelings of joy and gratitude. Perhaps due to the transformations currently happening in my life, i am unable to hold on to the old ,comforting beliefs of my childhood; because I am emerging as my own person.

and even though it feels uncomfortable, I have read enough stories to know that this change is important,that this feeling is completely valid. I may not pay mind to such little things that we carry anymore but I do believe in extracting joy and meaning from them, because life can be depressing and it's up to us to find things that add meaning and love to it.

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